Saturday, August 27, 2005

5 Suggestions for Improving Cricket

Although cricket has been dubbed ‘the gentleman's game’, there are a few things that would help improve this sport's watchability amongst the crucial 18-25 year-old, ‘Gen-Y’ demographic. If 'the Cricky' is ever to catch on in the U.S., some changes need to be made.


  1. Instead of a passive insect like a cricket, a name like 'MANTIS' (all caps for that in-your-face emphasis), suggesting that the losing team gets their heads bitten off by their wives.

  2. Tea breaks (with cucumber sandwiches) throughout the day should be replaced by mandatory group tequilia shots. Losing team has to do one per knocked wicket.

  3. Currently, the players hand their dapper V-neck, wool sweater vests to the umpire before their bowling rotation. I think that a Hulk Hogan style disrobing (complete with flourishing ‘I can't hear you’ gesture) would be much more effective in reaching out to kids these days.

  4. Players toss the ball gleefully in the air like little school boys every time they record even the most routine of outs. A more expressive end-zone dance needs to result. A simple Moon Walk? Perhaps the Ickey Shuffle? Either of those tried and true staples would more than suffice for cricket. I mean MANTIS.

  5. The game is currently played over a five-day test (weather permitting) in a pitch called an Oval, which is defined by a white picket fence . This needs to be changed to a 90-minute battle in the electrified, steel Octagon cage. Then, and only then, will the strongest survive.

As I watch Peggy's second practice conclude, I can't help (and who amongst us cannot, really) but to fantasize about the potential of this grand old game.

posted by ncawthon at 10:38 AM

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Phar Lappidated

News today is that Australia's greatest racehorse, Phar Lap, will be on display again in November. One caveat, Phar Lap died something like fifty years ago.

This red-hued horse was the champion of the nation, winning, I believe, 38 out of 52 posts in her career - including three straight Melbourne Cup Championships. She made Seabiscuit seem more like Soggy Biscuit. Mysterious circumstances surround her death as well (as does any famous figure), Phar Lap died on a tour of the U.S. and was said to be poisoned.

Now, Australians and visitors alike can view the origins of the phrase, 'he's got heart like Phar Lap', by actually viewing the equine's cardiac member. His hide is already on display in New Zealand, as is his skull in a third location. For the next few years, this massive horse heart is on display for the public to see. She's the most well travelled, post-humous (or is it post-equus) horse in the world.

No word as yet on whether or not an anthropolgical investigaton will take place around the phrase, 'he's got the balls of a wallabie'.

posted by ncawthon at 2:52 PM

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A Bit About Brekke

One thing that we've noticed, at least amongst the Brontonians, is the adherence to having a formal breakfast (brekke). With five adjancent cafés, we're able to gather that the people here are in no big hurry to rush off to work. You'll find a family of four sitting down together at 8am on a Wednesday morning, to share what would we would typically eat for a languid Sunday brunch. Eggs, tomatoes, spinach, toast, sausages, sometimes even beans. Children in their matching school outfits and dad dressed for a day at the office.

Peggy would like to observe that there is a 'bacon gap' here. Grilled ham strips are prevalent, but it is not the crispy, salty variety that makes boys become men and women grow facial hair.

posted by ncawthon at 9:01 AM

Monday, August 22, 2005

Put Me In Kobayashi, I'm Ready to Play

First day of baseball was yesterday, I tried out with the Waverly Waves, Australia's oldest baseball club, founded in 1898. Judging by the condition of the field, that's the last time any ground work has been done.

The field was an uneven grassy tundra, sure to produce its share of bad hops. I found a rabbit hole with freshly minted droppings out in right-center field, not sure whether or not it is ruled 'in play'. The backstop consists of four removable, 20-foot tall aluminium poles with some netting strung in between them. We take these down and pack them up after every practice, one is sure to land on someone before the year is out. Running on the basepaths has MRI written all over it, no dirt to slide in, no chalk lines, bases held down by metal spikes. Dimensions of the field are about 400 feet for a home run, measured by the distance to the edge of the riverbed. The pitchers mound, well, I count myself lucky that there even was one.

The practice itself was both amusing and frustrating. The squad consisted of six South Koreans, six Japanese, one Venezuelan, one Australian and me. English was patched together well enough to do some basic drills, but we had a hard time communicating with one another. At one point a player asked, 'What's Korean for cut second base?', to which the Japanese catcher said, 'Cut second base'.

The drills themselves were very slipshod. They've got a coach who's a South Korean man of about 50 who spends the majority of his time shaking his head and looking disaprovingly at us, his two hands tucked into the front of his waistband - Al Bundy style. He yelled at me, 'ball come here', when I was having trouble pitching him inside. Gonna have fun with this guy.

Fundamentally, the Little League team I used to coach would put these guys to shame. There was an inordinate amount of standing around, no concept of what a relay throw from the outfield was, and mandatory cigarette breaks after every drill.

Still, despite all my joking, it looks to be an enjoyable group. Like every Australian sporting club, this shared activity is just a precluse to all go drinking together afterwards. Judging by the average tobacco consumption of the middle infielders, I will likely be the lightweight of the bunch.

posted by ncawthon at 8:29 AM